Shelly A. Faust

Archives for September 2015

Maintaining Friendships Through Life Changes

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Keys to Maintaining Friendships

Before the start of this series, I sent an email to a group of you to pick your brains and get some feedback on topics we would be discussing. One of the most often expressed concerns in the responses I received was the fear of losing friends or not being able to maintain friendships/relationships from one season to the next.

Our hearts ache at the thought of losing a friend. We cringe at the possibility of a relationship ending. Why? Because we were created for community. We weren’t meant to walk this journey alone. We were designed with an inner longing to be known and to be loved. It’s what draws us to Jesus. And it’s what draws us to others.

Friendship is an investment of the deepest parts of us so when we lose a friend, we lose a part of ourselves.

It’s in friendship, in the vulnerable place of knowing and being known, that our souls breathe and our hearts expand. We exhale, let our guards down, and live fully in the company of great friends. We can be our truest selves when our hearts have found a friend that can be trusted.

Friends challenge us and help us become more than we ever thought we could be. True friendship is the place we learn to give and love without condition. It’s where we discover grace and forgiveness and learn the art of cheering each other on. Friendship is a risk worth taking.

But like everything else, friendships have seasons too. Friends come into our lives at different times and for different reasons. As time and circumstances change, the nature of our relationships sometimes change.

It’s unrealistic to think that as we change and as life changes our relationships won’t change too.

We graduate high school. We move off to college. We get married and have children.

We find a new job. We go through a divorce. We become empty-nesters, grandparents, retirees.

Our passions change. Our interests change. Our priorities change.

Our family grows. Our responsibilities grow. We grow.

Some friendships stand the test of time and seasons. They evolve with us. We learn to adjust and shift and celebrate each other’s new places.

But other friendships fade, change, and even disappear over the years. It can feel confusing and hurtful, but just because a friendship changes or you’re no longer as close to or compatible with someone as you used to be doesn’t mean it has to end poorly. There can be a healthy transformation of the relationship as you each transition into your next season or phase of life. This leaves the door open to maintain fellowship, even though it may look a little different than before, and it also keeps alive the potential to reconnect years down the road.

Here are some things I’ve learned over the years about maintaining friendship through life changes:

  • You’ve probably heard the saying, “you have to be a friend to have a friend.” This is so true. Not all friendships are doomed to end. Sometimes we just need to make more of an effort. Do your best to reach out and connect. Schedule face to face time. Be intentional with the sacred spaces of relationship.
  • As you and your friend each go through life changes, give each other grace. Don’t jump to conclusions, don’t assume the worst, and don’t become critical. Refuse to accuse. Forgive quickly. We’re most likely all just doing the best we can.
  • Sometimes you (and your friend) just need time or space. I have many friends I don’t see regularly (because, LIFE, hello!) but when we do reconnect, we pick right back up where we left off.
  • Communicate. Ask questions and be open to answer questions. Be honest with your feelings. Inquire, respond, and resolve conflict and misunderstandings in love.

If you’re in a season where you feel like you don’t have any friends:

  • Reach out to someone. It takes time and effort to build a friendship but it’s worth the effort.
  • Be open to meeting new people, especially those who share some of your same interests. Go to a new writer’s group. Take an art class. Join a community or volunteer group.
  • Invite an old friend to coffee. You might be surprised at how easy it is to reconnect, even if it’s been years.

We were made for community. I am better in community.

 

When You Feel Like You Failed in a Hard Season

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Romans 8-28a

It wasn’t quite noon but the day was already long.

Frustrations, tears, and a ten year old boy who found refuge and solace behind the locked bathroom door. Two words (or maybe one word, still haven’t quite figured that one out): Home. School.

I desperately wanted to be good at leading my classroom. And I wanted to love it.

But I wasn’t, and I didn’t.

Thankfully, God doesn’t love me based on how well I perform or how good I am at home-school (or anything else). I know this.

But sometimes I hear whispers of another kind. I give in to discouragement and disappointment has a way of wrapping itself tight around my heart – you know, the place where courage dwells.

Many days while homeschooling, I felt like a complete failure and wondered if I had made the right decision. It was hard and there was a lot of pushing through. More than once (or a thousand times) I went to bed mentally and emotionally exhausted.

It’s easy to chase lions (and teach boys or whatever else you might be doing) on the happy, feel-good, everything-is-going-just-right days, but our hearts need a little convincing when we fall short or find ourselves floundering.

But just because something is hard doesn’t mean we aren’t doing what we’re supposed to be doing. Some seasons are just. plain. hard.

Remember, just like in transition, if we refuse the process, we forfeit the purpose.

Because sometimes what we see as a failed assignment God sees as an opportunity to build in us the very things we will need for the task before us (or the next one, or the one after that).

Hard seasons can chisel and scrape and remove what doesn’t belong and they can shape and strengthen and build what needs to remain .

When we risk and fail or risk and fall short we can bend low and pick up wisdom. What we gain in one season can be taken into the next. And we are better for it.

And courage isn’t only found in the lion-chaser. Courage is often found in the small and the quiet and the determination to keep going. Courage helps the mama start over tomorrow when she feels like she blew it today. Courage opens our eyes to possibility when defeat and discouragement try to keep them shut. Courage picks us up when we’d rather just give up. Courage gathers wisdom to know when to keep trying and when to move on.

So if you feel like you’ve failed at something (or if you really HAVE failed at something), that’s okay. Because sometimes we do.

But just because you fail, or because the end results do not look like you had hoped, YOU are not a failure.

And just because you fail doesn’t mean you missed God or made a mistake. You could have, sure. Or you could just be preparing for your next assignment.

So keep going.

Or start over.

Or maybe try something new.

(Or go back to public school. Yes, I did.)

Whatever you do, do something. Do it brave. Do it with courage. Do it with audacious faith.

And trust that God is working here too.

Let’s chat:

  • It’s Monday. How are you? :)
  • Are you in a hard season?
  • How can I pray for you?

Scriptures:

And we know that all things work together for good to them that love God, to them who are the called according to his purpose. (Romans 8:28)

Trust in the LORD with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make your paths straight. (Proverbs 3:5-6)

For God has not given us a spirit of timidity, but of power and love and discipline (2 Timothy 1:7)

 

A New Season: The Pain of Transition

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A faith refined in the fire Some seasons can serve as a transition between two other seasons. Kind of like the end of the old and the beginning of the new all smashed together doing the necessary work to bring fulfillment of what’s to come. A connecting or bridging of seasons.

And transition, at least for me, doesn’t always make one feel all warm and fuzzy inside.

For my fellow mamas, let’s be real. Words like intense, hard-to-breath, crazy pressure, exhausting, frustrating, overwhelming, What was I thinking? And I can’t do this may pop into your head. Yes?

Now, if someone could just get us an epidural.

But life doesn’t offer epidurals.

Some might suggest the Holy Spirit serves as such but I would suggest He’s more like a nurse or doula. Sometimes we have to feel the hard stuff, push through the pain and learn to trust in the face of difficulty. Thank God for the Holy Spirit who offers comfort, support, and guidance. (Of course, He is SO MUCH MORE and also empowers us to do what we cannot do on our own.)

Aside from labor, transition is defined as the movement, passage, or change from one position, state, stage, subject, concept, etc. to another. Often in a movie, we’ll hear cool transitional music or sound effects to help us prepare for the next scene. In real life, however, we are not always afforded that luxury, are we? We can slide into change gradually or be faced with it suddenly and unexpectedly.

I always find it helpful to expand and expound on whatever word I’m studying. Let’s look at some synonyms for the word transition.

  • development
  • growth
  • shift
  • transformation
  • realignment.

Sometimes the new place God is requiring of us involves the hard work of growing and shifting and transformation and realignment. Which in turn can feel lonely and involve isolation and correction and the hard labor of birthing and the uncovering of wounds so that healing can begin.

We don’t always hear about or see these times in others’ lives. We see the pretty stuff. Transition and seasons of growth don’t make good Instagram pictures.

But it’s in times like these we learn to dig deep wells. We discover that Jesus is enough no matter what we’re facing and He makes whole what the world sometimes breaks apart.

A faith refined in the fire of adversity produces a faith that stands, a faith that can be trusted, and a faith that learns to give thanks and see God in every season.

Seasons of pressing can forge a faith of steel.

So, if you’re in a hard season or a time of transition, press in, dig deep, don’t give up.

It’s in the waiting and the transforming and the developing that perseverance learns to prevail. It’s here that patience finds its legs and a heart learns to listen well. If it will.

Not every season or transition is smooth and chronicled in public (or even private) celebration. There can be lonely and there can be questions and there might be struggle. Let the Holy Spirit support you, comfort, comfort, guide, and empower you. Trust God in these times of growth and development and transformation.

Transition doesn’t last forever but it will come again. Because if we stop changing, we become stagnate. We stop growing and becoming.

If we refuse the process, we forfeit purpose.

And you probably know this, but in case you don’t or you need a reminder: God created you with purpose, on purpose, and for purpose.

Don’t be afraid of the hard stuff. Contrary to public opinion, there will be times that are more than we can handle. The good news is God can handle anything. And when we find ourselves at the end of our own strength and saying things like, “I can’t do this,” may His grace and power remind us that – together – we can.

Your turn to talk:

  • Are you currently in transition? A hard season?
  • How has God sustained you in times of difficulty?
  • Share a scripture you’ve held on to in a time of adversity.

Scriptures:

But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me. – 2 Corinthians 12:9

I consider that our present sufferings are not worth comparing with the glory that will be revealed in us. – Romans 8:18

Blessed is the man who trusts in the Lord,
And whose hope is the Lord.
8 For he shall be like a tree planted by the waters,
Which spreads out its roots by the river,
And will not fear when heat comes;
But its leaf will be green,
And will not be anxious in the year of drought,
Nor will cease from yielding fruit.

-Jeremiah 17:7-8

Fear not, for I am with you;
Be not dismayed, for I am your God.
I will strengthen you,
Yes, I will help you,
I will uphold you with My righteous right hand.

-Isaiah 41:10

 

***Congratulations to Debi Schuhow! You are the winner of last week’s giveaway! Please send your address to shellyafaust@gmail.com.

 

If you missed our previous posts in this series, #ANewSeason, you can catch up here:

To Obey or Not to Obey

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God's Blessings in Obedience are far greater

Y’all, it’s Friday! That is worth celebrating, right? Yes! :) So, how about another giveaway? This time, it will be a surprise! (Who doesn’t love surprises??) Everyone who leaves a comment today will be entered to win a surprise, Fall-themed gift from me.

On Wednesday, we discussed different Seasons of Nature and Life and talked a little about hearing God’s voice. Today, I want to continue on the subject of hearing God’s voice and also give you an example from my own life of a time God spoke to me and how I responded. I’m considering sharing a personal story along these lines here every Friday. What do you think? My purpose and hope is that your faith will increase and that you’ll maybe even find nuggets of wisdom and learn what not to do as I share my mistakes and/or confess my (gasp) disobedience.

So, we talked about the importance of recognizing prompts from the Holy Spirit and listed some of the various ways God still speaks to us today:

  • A still small voice
  • A confirming word
  • Scripture
  • A song on the radio
  • Personal prophecy
  • A strange coincidence (that isn’t really a coincidence)
  • Through other people (mentors, friends, leaders, pastors, strangers)
  • Dreams

The tricky thing about hearing God’s voice – no matter the avenue – is that we can choose to heed it and obey or ignore it and disobey. If you’re anything like me, you’ve probably done a little of both.

Many years ago, I knew (inner knowing) God was asking me to lay some things down (volunteer obligations, ministry responsibilities, etc). Some I was quick to surrender while others, not so much. Among other things, I had been working for seven years as a ministry coordinator for an evangelist from Australia who also had become a spiritual dad to me. I could not believe God would ask me to surrender this, too, so I held on to it for several months (maybe even closer to a year) past its expiration date.

When we hold on to an assignment that is no longer ours, we not only miss out on what God wants to do next in our lives but we also prevent or delay someone else from taking ownership of their next thing (our old assignment = someone else’s new assignment).

During these months of trying to hold on to this place (old season) that no longer belonged to me, I was miserable. The grace I once had to do my job well and with much favor melted away in the face of my disobedience. Even the simplest task became increasingly difficult. I couldn’t sleep at night. Anxiety sat on my chest with crushing force. When I finally surrendered, peace and joy immediately returned. I was sad emotionally because resigning felt like (and was) a personal loss for me, but all was well once again with my soul.

God’s blessings in obedience are far greater than anything He asks us to give away.

Even when we don’t understand.

As I look back over this time, I can now see what God was doing. Not only was He moving me out of this place and into a required season of isolation before my next phase of ministry began, but He was also moving someone else into the position I left as part of her next phase. My exit created her door of entrance.

Our decision to obey or disobey not only affects us but also directly affects others.

We are all connected in this Kingdom-building mission.

And if I had stayed where I was, remained in an expired season (because we can choose to remain), I would not be where I am today. I would have missed out on a plethora of God-gifted relationships and connections all over the United States and forfeited opportunities that only came because I surrendered something good and trusted God to do something great. I chose to lay down the comfortable and familiar and follow God into the unknown.

We don’t always understand what He is doing, but He is a God we can trust. He is always good. He is always for us.

Your turn to share:

  • Has God ever asked you to surrender something you wanted to hold on to? Has He asked you to give something away as a requirement for leaving an old season or a prerequisite for entering a new season? How did you respond?
  • What do you feel is your biggest struggle in letting go? Fear? Comfortable/familiar place? Uncertainty? (We’ll discuss some of these over the course of this month’s conversation.)

 

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