Before the start of this series, I sent an email to a group of you to pick your brains and get some feedback on topics we would be discussing. One of the most often expressed concerns in the responses I received was the fear of losing friends or not being able to maintain friendships/relationships from one season to the next.

Our hearts ache at the thought of losing a friend. We cringe at the possibility of a relationship ending. Why? Because we were created for community. We weren’t meant to walk this journey alone. We were designed with an inner longing to be known and to be loved. It’s what draws us to Jesus. And it’s what draws us to others.

Friendship is an investment of the deepest parts of us so when we lose a friend, we lose a part of ourselves.

It’s in friendship, in the vulnerable place of knowing and being known, that our souls breathe and our hearts expand. We exhale, let our guards down, and live fully in the company of great friends. We can be our truest selves when our hearts have found a friend that can be trusted.

Friends challenge us and help us become more than we ever thought we could be. True friendship is the place we learn to give and love without condition. It’s where we discover grace and forgiveness and learn the art of cheering each other on. Friendship is a risk worth taking.

But like everything else, friendships have seasons too. Friends come into our lives at different times and for different reasons. As time and circumstances change, the nature of our relationships sometimes change.

It’s unrealistic to think that as we change and as life changes our relationships won’t change too.

We graduate high school. We move off to college. We get married and have children.

We find a new job. We go through a divorce. We become empty-nesters, grandparents, retirees.

Our passions change. Our interests change. Our priorities change.

Our family grows. Our responsibilities grow. We grow.

Some friendships stand the test of time and seasons. They evolve with us. We learn to adjust and shift and celebrate each other’s new places.

But other friendships fade, change, and even disappear over the years. It can feel confusing and hurtful, but just because a friendship changes or you’re no longer as close to or compatible with someone as you used to be doesn’t mean it has to end poorly. There can be a healthy transformation of the relationship as you each transition into your next season or phase of life. This leaves the door open to maintain fellowship, even though it may look a little different than before, and it also keeps alive the potential to reconnect years down the road.

Here are some things I’ve learned over the years about maintaining friendship through life changes:

• You’ve probably heard the saying, “you have to be a friend to have a friend.” This is so true. Not all friendships are doomed to end. Sometimes we just need to make more of an effort. Do your best to reach out and connect. Schedule face to face time. Be intentional with the sacred spaces of relationship.
• As you and your friend each go through life changes, give each other grace. Don’t jump to conclusions, don’t assume the worst, and don’t become critical. Refuse to accuse. Forgive quickly. We’re most likely all just doing the best we can.
• Sometimes you (and your friend) just need time or space. I have many friends I don’t see regularly (because, LIFE, hello!) but when we do reconnect, we pick right back up where we left off.
• Communicate. Ask questions and be open to answer questions. Be honest with your feelings. Inquire, respond, and resolve conflict and misunderstandings in love.

If you’re in a season where you feel like you don’t have any friends:

• Reach out to someone. It takes time and effort to build a friendship but it’s worth the effort.
• Be open to meeting new people, especially those who share some of your same interests. Go to a new writer’s group. Take an art class. Join a community or volunteer group.
• Invite an old friend to coffee. You might be surprised at how easy it is to reconnect, even if it’s been years.

We were made for community. I am better in community.